Tonight I went to a vinyasa flow class at StaSu Yoga! So exciting!

There was some kind of big traffic pile up on the highway, so I had to take the backroads to get there, and even the back roads were crowded with cars overflowing from the highway. Still, I got there in about 25 minutes. The studio wasn't hard to find. It's a really nice space--there's a nice-sized lobby, with comfy chairs and merch, and ample bathrooms with cubbies for your stuff. The yoga space is through a set of double doors. They keep a hot room, which I didn't realize going in, but it was really great. The yoga space is roomy but not huge; there's a mirrored wall, good lighting, and a good sound system (embedded in the ceiling, not just a boom box). They obviously put a lot of thought into the decor.

The class itself was really great. I've been needing this for a while now. 60+ minutes of serious vinyasa flow! I can't remember the last time I had a good vinyasa class--probably over a year now, since my membership ran out at my old gym. Stacey, the teacher and one of the studio's owners, really kept us moving. I'd almost forgotten how good that felt. My thighs weren't really up to it--I obviously haven't been doing my squats, since I couldn't hold chair pose or some of the other thigh-intensive things. But otherwise, I held my own in the class. Stacey as a teacher was pretty good--there were some poses that it didn't seem like she described well enough, so that even in a room full of seemingly experienced yoga-doers, everybody kind of scrambled for a second to figure out what we were doing. Mostly, though, she was great, and she did good adjustments, and structured the class well. I would definitely go back to her.

Afterwards, Stacey asked me if this was the sort of yoga I do, and I told her yes, I really liked the class. Then she said I have a beautiful practice. That made me smile.

And the first class was free! Definitely planning to go back there. Notes for next time: bring a towel, wear the short pants, and pull up hair in a bun (not a ponytail).

I'm concerned, though, because this is a Thursday night class, and dance class is usually on Thursday nights. I was looking forward to tap and african and especially indian dance. But vinyasa is so much closer to my heart. And this is the only 60-minute vinyasa flow class they have during the week--there's a 75-minute class on Tuesdays, but it starts at 6:00 and I just don't know if I can get there that early. I might try, though. A 75-minute vinyasa class might just be a good substitute for a Tuesday morning jog once it gets colder outside.

Overall, today I just feel really happy. I got some good writing work done this morning. I'm really happy with all the new poems that have been coming out in the past few months. I'm working on typing them all up now, and with every one I am just pleased and surprised at what I'd written. I have no idea if any of them will ultimately turn out to be publishable, but I'm really enjoying just being entertained by my own poems. I don't know if I ever felt like that before--I've felt good after writing, and satisfied with a poem, and proud of a poem, but just entertained and glad? I don't know. It makes me happy, anyway.

Yesterday was productive, yet wiped me out. I got a great haircut which I can't wait to sport in front of the agent. I had a great coffee hour and pre-show chill with Lorna. The show was hard because I was exhausted and my voice wasn't cooperating. But Tony & Beth came, which gave me added spirit. I nearly passed out on the subway...but managed to stumble home and hit the hay. Today I feel beyond tired yet not quite exhausted. I was going to go to a meeting today before the show, but sleep is far more pressing of a matter. So here's to hoping I can crash tonight for at least 45 minutes before I have to head back out to the show.

Besides that, nothing else to report! Ciao, bellas :-*

Last night's reading was wunderbar!!! SUCH BIG THANKS to Jorn, Audrey, and Jonathan for not only coming out to support me at the reading but for an awesome time at Heartland Chophouse afterward. I got lots of good feedback and congratulations, one of which was from a director in the audience, and went home exhaustedly smiling.

And part of the reason for that smile was getting a call from an agent as I was on my way to the reading! This is the same agent that came to CHRISTMAS RAPPINGS last week. Having the Lorna connection and performing for the agent live musta made the difference! So send vibes on Monday at 4:30! I'mma sing, act, and interview my way into representation if it kills me, gall darnit!!! :)

Went to the dentist this morning. They're so booked I could only get an hygenist consult. But she managed to get me in for my xrays and cleaning with only a two week wait! No gum disease or receding gums...but one spot she thinks will turn out to be my first cavity. Not bad for today being my 4th dentist visit in my entire life!

But I'm still hoping I have more of Bonnie's dental DNA than Darryl's. Bonnie didn't get her wisdom teeth in or a cavity until her early forties. I'm a decade early...but at this point Darryl was riddled with cavities and other work that needed to be done. All that lead to all of his front teeth rotting out by his early 40's (then again, that may be a result of the high evil content opposed to DNA...and I'm sure his lack-luster oral hygiene didn't help his case).

I'm falling asleep at work from boredom...but I'm chuckling as my boss is nursing her hangover from last night's company party. I would have loved to have seen the intoxication happen in real time, but the economy situation is definitely showing its head in the Holiday Party Territory. In all my years as a temp, I've always been invited to a company's Holiday Party. But neither of the companies I've worked for this year gave an invite. Can't blame them...but I do miss the free booze and shrimp cocktail :).

Tonight is haircut time so I can look all sharp for the agent interview. Then hot cocoa with my Lorna Doone before we do our show. ONLY FOUR MORE PERFORMANCES! Getting the in with the agent made this entire grueling process completely worth it...but I'm beyond ready to be done.

Blessings to you all!

I realized this morning that, while I've been trying to get a good balance between standing work and seated work in a week, I haven't been getting in enough balance work or strength-building stuff. So I tried to do some of that today, but I got started later than I wanted, so I didn't do as much as I wanted to. But from what I did, I can tell I need to do more--my dancer pose was totally off-kilter and I could barely stay up. Sigh.

I think, as long as I'm doing the half-hour mornings three times a week, that Mondays will be focused on standing work, Wednesdays on balance and strength, Fridays on seated poses jammie-style. That way I should be able to hit everything important at least once a week.

F just sent me the link for Tango411, which is starting to run yoga classes in a beautiful studio (previously occupied by Maitri Yoga, a 5-class card for which was supposed to be my birthday present until they went out of business).

And he also sent me a link to Sprout Yoga, which is a yoga non-profit that sounds so unbelievably awesome and important and wonderful and I'm trying to figure out how much time I can volunteer with them. I want to get in touch with them after Christmas and see what they need that I can help with. I could learn so much from them and make new connections and it could be really great for me as well as getting me started in the sort of work I want to do. So, yay.

Last book in the trilogy! I have to say, I really enjoyed this series. Stirling can go off sometimes on the battles and swordfights, or even just the lovely countryside of Oregon, but I just skim through that stuff. As annoying as some of the characters are, I still found their annoying little habits endearing. I was sad to see one major character die at the end of this book, but it did seem like something Stirling's been building up to over the course of the series.

It looks like Rudi's going to grow up into his very own trilogy and be the male Mary Sue character that Mike Havel was in this trilogy. I think that's okay, because I really kind of like Rudi. I don't know when or if I'll go on to the next trilogy, but I am interested in seeing what Rudi finds out in Nantucket, so maybe.

...because that's how life feels right about now.

I was feeling rather stressed after the show on Friday. But, while I wanted nothing more than to act out, I called Jonathan instead. We watched DARK KNIGHT, cuddled, and slept. Yay me :)

Saturday was my first rehearsal for the reading. It went brilliantly! There is one super asshole in the cast who decided to start a dick swinging contest with me. So when avoiding him at all costs didn't work due to him backing me into a corner, I used my brain. You should have seen his itty bitty lug head start to throb & ache at the futile attempt to match wits. That shut him the frack up!

CHRISTMAS RAPPINGS rocked on Saturday!...after which I met Jonathan for our first official date.

Insert first rollercoaster loop here.

I'd been nervous since we planned it. I told myself (per my usual habit) that it was just stupid childish butterflies for an evening bound to be awesome. Some day I hope to tap into the wisdom I have inside that will allow me to realize and accept that these lingering emotions never happen in me without sound reason.

It wasn't horrible...just wah wah. We finally got to talk. And to be fair, he's been pushing me to "talk" for at least two weeks now. But I've been so tired after working 15-hour days that I just wanna pop in a DVD and cuddle as I fall asleep. He's respected that...which I'm very glad he did...because I don't think I would have handled this convo well in any of those various states of exhaustion.

So we caught each other off guard when we first met. I never expected to fall for him, and vice versa. The difference: I'm in a place where I'm ready to embrace that. Jonathan is currently in a very difficult limbo-like place.

The back story. Jonathan is 25. He's had mini-dating experiences (3 months here and there) but only one relationship with someone he loved. That relationship lasted 4 years, the last two of which they lived together...and the last two of which were very unhealthy (for multiple reasons that I am not at liberty to share). This resulted in a very co-dependent, addictive, and abusive relationship.

Jonathan broke this relationship off 1.5 years ago. But they still talk every day. And his ex is still after Jonathan to go back to him. Jonathan knows this wouldn't be good. But there is a part of him that is remembering their first two years instead of the last two. He's feeling that draw we all have for our first love. And we all remember how hard it can be to fully break way from that first person. Jonathan knows that if he goes back those bad patterns are going to continue. Jonathan wants anything but that. But his inner antagonist is playing the "what if...?" and "of course things can get better" cards.

So when he moved to NYC, even though it was for his career, he thought he'd have the time to process, find his closure, and have the strength to move on and finally be able to tell his ex that it is done for good. He never thought he'd meet someone this quickly. And then we met the first week he moved to nyc. And even though neither of us expected it and we were both in a place of adamently not wanting a relationship...the Universe said "Ha ha!" *ala Nelson from THE SIMPSONS*...and...boom.

We talked beyond talking on Saturday and since then have been talking daily. We made the mutual decision to go on hiatus. Jonathan's feelings are that he respects me and sees the potential in our coupling to be a final coupling; a goal we both share. He knows that I'm exactly what he wants and that I'm the better choice in this situation. But he needs more time to find his closure with his ex before he can commit to that. He knows I've been through a lot of hurt and pain due to the men in my life and refuses to add to that pain. He wants to keep things as they were and simply put off moving to the next level and come back to the coupling progression once he's worked through things.

I was very touched and thanked him for being so considerate of my feelings and not leading me along and telling me this a year from now. I see the same potential in our coupling as he does. And I want that. At the same time, I explained to him that I've reached a point in my life where I'm finally looking out for me and my best interest, realizing that all those stupid people who ingrained worthlessness in me were quite wrong to do so.

And as much as I want him, it can't be until he's ready and able to receive my heart and give me his. He's already broken down my walls and entered the caring part of my Care Bear Heart. So I told him we can remain friends but intimacy has got to stop until he's past this hurdle. I care about him too much to be intimate without emotion. And that's not what I want; we're both worth far more than that. Every time I see or talk to him I care for him more. Intimacy will complicate this even further.

So it's very wah wah. I hope that in the end I'll have him back as my lover and we'll grow from there. But as I explained to him, until I know that he's honestly made it to that awesome point of strength and independence, I will constantly be waiting for the shoe to drop. I'll be afraid that I'll repeat my faults with Guy, whom I allowed to constantly compare me to his ex to the point of where Guy would call me by his ex's name frequently. I'll be petrified that I'll repeat my mistakes with Keith, who dropped me after a year of being together to go back to his ex because that was easier...even though he loved me more and knew I was the better choice...and then years down the line I keep getting messages from him saying how not choosing me was the biggest mistake he ever made...yadda yadda yadda...so sad, too bad.

I don't think Jonathan would do either of those things to me. As soon as he realized this issue and it's potential to hurt me, he told me so those abuses wouldn't happen. He has far more respect for me than any other lover has had to date. So I honor the place he's in and, if he decides to go the easy yet detrimental route of returning to the abusive ex, I will do my best to be a good friend and not blame him for my hurt. But I have to come first right now. So I'm emotionally guarding myself until he's made his decision.

Hopefully there will be a cheery, blissful update down the road regarding this situation.

So I've been way emotional all weekend. Sunday's show was very difficult for me to get through. But afterward I got to see Dennis & Gabe and then we all hung out with Lorna and other folks from the show and I had a blast! And I found out that a tequila shot chased with a shot of cranberry juice is phenomenal (though I still prefer patron with cinnamon and an orange slice ;-).

Yesterday's reading rehearsal wasn't the best..but I think we'll be fine for this evening's performance.

And then I went home and encounter super duper loop #2. NY Unemployment didn't side with me in the dispute. So they are charging me a repayment of $300. The notice said due immediately, but I called and made my own uphill rollercoaster climb and set up a reasonable payment plan and got my claim unfrozen.

And then there was the superest hill climb on the rollercoaster!! I GOT THE SHOW!!!!! I will be playing Editor Daily (a healthy-sized supporting lead role) for Theater1010's Off-off Broadway production of THE CRADLE WILL ROCK, running February 12th through March 14th, 2010!!!

After that awesome and inspiring news I took last night to myself, got to bed way too late, but got a lot done, and had a nice convo with Jonathan, who will be coming to the reading tonight. I offered him to stay with me tonight (I still like to cuddle...which we did on Saturday after starting the haitus...though my bed does feel empty without him in it...). And he just texted me to say that he'll be staying :-) So I have an awesome evening with friends (YAY JORN AND AUDREY!!!!!) who are coming out to support me and my art.

*comes to a stop and raises lap bar* We hope you've enjoyed your ride on the Super Duper Looper here at Hershey (Highway ;-p) Park. Have a great day in the land of fudge!!

This morning's jog was awesome! The temperature was around 47 degrees! It was all misty out. Compared to the past couple of weeks, the weather this morning was beautiful. F came out with me since it wasn't too cold. He mostly walked and jogged a little, while I kept my usual steady pace. For the first half of the jog, I was able to carry on a normal conversation, which is an exciting new thing--usually I'm too out of breath. F was impressed.

Half an hour of yoga this morning. Mostly standing work. I really need to go to a vinyasa-style class sometime soon. I feel like a dummy--getting into a regular studio practice was one of my big goals for this fall. Instead I started taking dance class, which is healthy exercise even if it's not yoga, and also started rocking the morning yoga, which is an improvement over what I was doing before, but a few half-hour sessions a week still isn't as good as a few hourlong sessions a week. Anyway, I'm not judging on myself for not getting into a studio practice yet--things just didn't go that way--but it really needs to happen. I think Tuesdays starting after the holidays will be what I shoot for. F still has a five-class card birthday gift to put into action for me, after all.

In other news from the realm of Awesome Stuff I Could Be Doing If I Hadn't Moved To Swarthmore, Saturday night we drove through my old neighborhood, and I saw that a brand-new yoga studio just opened two blocks from my old apartment. Can we all say "Argh!"? So frustrating. A yoga studio I could walk to!

However, I should be fair. I've been taking dance classes because that studio is less than a block from my new apartment. And I did try the Tuesday yoga class there. There's also, theoretically, yoga classes at a place two blocks in the other direction and then some sort of yoga studio half a mile past that, and I haven't even been to either place yet, let alone to any of the places in Media. So there's no need to get a grump on just because there's a new yoga studio in my old neighborhood--I haven't even explored all the yoga in my new neighborhood yet!

You guys are all going want to slaughter me, but I have to say, Thursday night's flamenco class was really terrific and I'm sorry the session is over now.

No, seriously! I feel like I was just starting to really get some of the movements. And I could really feel that the wrist and arm motions were good for me. I'm going to try to incorporate some of that stuff into my regular yoga practice, but it's much more intense in flamenco class, where the teacher is watching and constantly correcting me. And I was actually starting to enjoy the dancing, to enjoy how it feels and the physical and emotional intensity of it. It was starting to come together as more than just a series of demanding movements. I don't know. I don't plan to run right out and sign up for classes at Elba's flamenco studio--I have way too much else going on to consider that--but I may keep it tucked away in the back of my mind for future reference.

I also had my usual little Jammie Yoga practice on Friday morning. It was... usual, I guess. I did all seated postures and worked on legs.

I've been really, really busy at work lately, so I haven't been keeping up well with internet things. But the weather forecast looks pretty positive for Tuesday, so I'm hoping it will be nice enough I can still go for my jog. And my friend Chris recommended that I check out Target's line of runner clothes, so I may try to do that soon too.

This book is really amazing. It's really sad, because Gilbert wrote it after the death of his wife, and since there are few things I worry about more than F's untimely death, it was a difficult book for me to read. But the poems are incredibly beautiful and incredibly moving. Highly, highly recommended.

( Here's one of my favorites. )

Praise the good Lord Jesus! Last night my voice was back to 90% for all of my solo work! I still had to make vocal compromise with some of the strenuous ensemble singing. But Stella's got her groove back! And I got a full 7-hour night of sleep! HOOZAH!

This was especially fantastic because I wasn't able to nap after work yesterday. I tried...but I woke up 15 minutes into said nap because of a wow scary intense dream. Ya know all that lovely "wah wah" blog I posted yesterday in order to vent out my shait? Yeah. It was my mind's time to purge. And I've obviously gotten much better at dream interpretation because I knew what everything meant as I was dreaming it and freaked out. But shortly after I woke up, I calmed myself down and decided to settle into the joy of being so self-aware. After all, that is one of the greatest tools available for healing.

Today I'm actually refreshed! This means I should be able to get some things done before the show instead of having to nap!! And I'm super excited to jump into the day-before prep work the pulled pork 8-hour cook-off I have planned for Saturday (yum!!!).

Tomorrow I have the first rehearsal for next week's reading, then the show...and then Jonathan and I have our first date! Yes, we've been seeing each other for a month and a half. But we would just hang at one of our places. This is our first official, traditional date. And we're both a bit nervous ;)

I think the nervousness stems from this being our first time to talk in-depth. We've had little hinting, cliff note conversations...but no full, descriptive convos regarding where we come from and what we've been through. Ya know...the "this is the baggage I have and that you'll have to be understanding of as I continually work through it" convo :) We both need that knowledge before we can decide in which direction to take this relationship. This knowledge will also help us help each other in the present, seeing as most of the stuff we're both dealing with now directly ties into said past.

We both know being nervous is perfectly natura yet hilariously silly in our situation. We both have been there for each other through stuff that would make others run for the hills. We know neither person is going anywhere. We're just silly :) So we laugh it off yet honor it and are looking forward to a good time!

Jonathan proposed this french restaurant he recently found in Harlem. I said, "You'll understand more after we talk on Saturday...and my apologies...but, while I am working to get past it, my appreciation for the French is still at a low ebb after the events of October 2008." Point!

So then he told me he'd like to try a new place (seeing as he's new to New York) and asked me for options. Jonathan is a fashion designer (though he's not like a lot of fashion designers I've met who are caught up in making everyone fit their sense of fashion. I adore that humble and respectful side of him :). So I figured what better place to go than Vynl!

For those who don't know the place, it's a super gay American/Pan-Asian/Thai fusion place that is beyond cute (and don't even get me started on the stereotypically beautiful homo/metrosexual wait staff who dress with impeccable fashion to accentuate their bodies that most gay men would kill Sarah Palin to have!!). And they have themed bathrooms (like Cher and shait!) that are brilliant...with LP covers for menus...just super kitch in the hottest way. And while Jonathan prefers the man at his side to be down-to-earth and big-boned, he likes and appreciates the visual asthetic of mainstream beauty. So he can stare at his big-boned, earthy (shut it, jessica!) man while surrounded by other forms of yummy :) And then we'll head to my favorite martini bar, Vintage, which is directly across the street!

I do think we'll have a grand time and grow closer. And we've now made the pact to have a special night out at least once a month. Special night meaning not just drinks with friends after my show or a random let's grab chinese. But something nice and a real date :)

This first time we're splurging a bit. I'm sure we'll do the same for Valentine's Day. But in general we agreed to sit down with our individual budgets and find the most frugal yet rewarding thing we can do each month. I think this is gonna work out well :)

And that's that! Back to data entry! Have great weekends, possums!

So I realized I forgot to mention by Psych Eval which took place on Monday. This is my third attempt to find a place for treatment. I was anxious yet hopeful going in because, after my initial mini-eval last month, they felt that I was similar to their usual clientele and that they should be able to adequately treat me. Nice change from the other programs that didn't feel they had the resources for my needs.

But this eval was INTENSE! I was not and could not have prepared myself for this one. As I told Jonathan, it was like being bent over and emotionally sodomized for 90 minutes, sans ANY sort of reach around.

I know they're just doing a thorough job...but wow! They basically took the standard maybe 10-ish page eval that you sit by yourself and circle...and make every sub-category possible; i.e. "do you have a history of being mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused? Yes? Ok...by whom, what sort of abuse, how was it done, and at what time in your life did this occur?"

And that was a short sub-categorization! And even though it was all on paper which I easily could have filled out myself, their process is to have a counselor ask you these questions so that they can sit with you and monitors your physical responses, including willingness and reluctance, as you answer these questions.

Way to go! Far more personal and accurate, if you ask my sensical side. But for the side of me that is prevalent at the moment? Come on! It takes less time to choose, get approved for, and contract a new automobile. I know it's for the best and this is no short or easy path...but I was spun every which way at a time when I was not prepared to do so.

Anyhoo, I'm processed. I was told a counselor will be contacting me...but to be patience because that will take about 6 weeks...at which point it may be a few more weeks before the counselor can fit me in for a first appointment. Patience. Yeah...my bad...did I forget to mention during the emotional Butt Piracy that patience is a weakness that I'm trying to strengthen???

yeah.

Better later than never...but I'm like...seriously??!! This eval opens up every bit of baggage that I have to learn how to handle and then makes it so that I have to sit with all that raw emotion for upwards of 2 months even though I don't yet know quite how to healthily process it yet.

So I've been not so grand the past few days. Jonathan is watching out for me. And Lorna is giving me whatever lovin' I'm accepting. But I'm struggling because, even though I want and need this love, I've begun to block again. I know I need to block the hate and negativity...not the love.

But the best I can do right now is to honor that I have this long term goal which I will achieve even though I'm slipping at the moment. I gotta slip right now in order to regain my footing. But I'm gonna regain that foothold and keep down those walls that I've been trying so hard to keep down since July.

I know it'll be easier come next Sunday when I finally have some scheduling freedom and can actually sit with myself and not feel as overwhelmed. But making it through until then is going to be a steep uphill climb.

wah wah :-p

SO! On happier notes, my voice is coming back more and more with each day and each nap (cuz I still ain't sleepin' enough at night to call it a full night's sleep :-p).

...and low and behold an agent was in the audience last night! And it just so happened to be an agent that I've been submitting to for the past year in hopes of getting signed. And that agent just so JUST SO happened to be Lorna's agent!!! Who knew??!!

So I finally got to meet this person face-to-face and was UBER excepted!! So I commensurately rushed to the office this morning to put together another mailing and shot it out! It'll be delivered by Monday at the latest...and this agent is known for reading everything that comes across her desk...so there is a chance she'll get to it before my reading and show up there, as well! HOOZAH!

Overall, there are good things. And I'm trying my best to really hold on to them. But right now is a time where I have to be real and true to what I'm feeling so I can try to process it in those rare moments of rest that I have. I had my happy time. I'll have more in the near future. But right now things are piled up and business must be handled.

I know I'll be fine; I always am, for I have too much love in my life for anything else to be possible. And as this AMAZING quote states:


Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away. ~ Dag Hammarskjold


Thanks, De! :-* <3

So I'm going keep on keepin' on, continue to give thanks for all you lovely possums in my life, and do as much work as I can handle to keep working towards my full potential! I know that I'm only being given what I can handle and that there are large lessons that I've been avoiding for years and now they're all piled up so I need to shut the frack up and take it and start shovelin'! Right now I'm at the point of lookin' at the shovel and the waders and sighing in resolution for what must be done. But hey! At least I'm finally facing and accepting the work that has to be done instead of passing the buck yet again!

Whoot to that baby step, sir. Whoot, indeed :)

Half an hour of yoga this morning. I started off with five minutes of Flamenco Hands--one of the things I hate most about winter is that my wrists get all repetitive-stressy because I have to blow dry my hair every day, and Flamenco Hands really seems to help with that. Mostly it was just kind of a gentle practice--I flowed through the standing work pretty quickly. I wish I could get myself out of bed earlier and have a full hourlong session in the morning, but I just don't think I can make that happen.

In other news, my grande nonfat no-whip peppermint mocha is awesome, which is good, because my job is the opposite of a grande nonfat no-whip peppermint mocha.

Hello, possums!

Last Thursday was our final invited dress rehearsal for CHRISTMAS RAPPINGS. Jonathan came to see the show and really liked it. But more importantly he got to meet Lorna...and she loved him from minute one! Friday was opening night and the corresponding party, the latter of which Jonathan came to, and he and Lorna were like Paula Deen and butter! And better yet (for Jonathan...but also for me :-p) was that Lorna COMPLETELY takes Jonathan side on most everything ;) She gangs up on him to harras me and can't say enough how much she likes Jonathan and how good she feels he is for me. Yay :)

I should have taken Sunday off...but I committed myself to doing the GILGAMESH workshop...and I'm very glad I did! I had a blast and really look forward to seeing how this project develops.

And as soon as I got home I received a call from a past director offering me a lead role in a reading happening next Tuesday! The play is pretty awesome (even in this draft stage) and I'm very stoked about it. And to make things better, I'm cast against type as a dyslexic Jew AND the Third Witch from MACBETH (yes, folks...it's a farce with surrealistic moments). SWEET MATZO SOLSTICE BALLS!!!!!

And I also discovered the new latte at Starbucks...Caramel Brulee. SHUT UP YES!!!!!

Got to see black Dennis after WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY too long of not having him around. That was very nice. I missed my cousin. We were supposed to catch up after the workshop, but most of the workshop folks wanted to go out for dinner. So we had minimal catch up and some yummy thai. But we have plans to go for coffee after this week's Sunday matinee, which he is coming to see. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to catch up!

My voice just started coming back yesterday. So shows all weekend and through Monday were horrendously stressful and sometimes physically painful for me. Lorna said I sounded just fine...that only I know I'm sick...but I have yet to meet anyone more critical of my work than myself. So there goes that pep talk :-p

Fortunately God graced me last night for my CRADLE WILL ROCK callback. Somehow my voice came back and I didn't just make it through...I actually sounded good :) He put us in groups of men & women, eight each. When we walked in, I'm the only one in my group whose name the director could remember without looking at a headshot! Always a good sign.

We sang a group number...read from the script...and then the other guys were dismissed and I was asked to learn one of the supporting lead character's solo numbers. I felt very well received.

They're casting on Friday night. I've felt that this was my show since the first audition and that all this callback nonsense was just a formality for the director to figure out which role to put me in. I'm not being pompous; it's just a feeling you sometimes get as an actor.

But I'm keeping in mind that he could cast anyone. I was called back with 15 other guys, all of us contending for 8 roles. But the director said he may cast 8...or he may only cast 4 or 5 of us and double up roles...or he may cast more than 8 to get a bigger sound at the end of the piece.

And this is a very archetypal show. As the director told us, all the people he called back fit the types he needs. And everyone has shown him that he has an awesome talent pool to choose from. But in the end, because of these factors and unless someone really flubs the callback, he'll have to cast based on minutiae; i.e., if this person does this role, this person has to get this other role over this other person because they're the right height/weight/hair or skin color/vocal timbre for the match up.

So there is no way (or use) to try to count odds. No matter the outcome, I appreciated the director being so verbosely candid; getting that much information about what's happening on the other side of the table is a rare gift for we actors. So I already feel good whether I'm cast or not. And I'm confident that I will not only be remembered by this director but be in his active radar. But still...I want this show :) So send super 'CAST CHRIS!!!!!' vibes to the UES on Friday night!

After last night's callback I had plans to meet with Jonathan. These plans came through eventually but there was a mishap due to misunderstanding of information and lack of full communication. So it wasn't huge...but we had our first hiccup...which we handled well and still made a good night of things. This shows promise :)

I'm still exhausted today. And, as wonderful as it was to wake up holding Jonathan, it did NOT help my mood to have to fight heavy rain (which soaked my pants through to my undies) and HEAVY wind (which almost killed my umbrella) to get from the subway to work...and to realize that it's supposed to rain all day so there will be no sunshine at all (how do Alaskans do it???)...then, the second my tushie reached my cube, getting a call from an outsourced credit card rep who spoke poor English and couldn't crasp the concept of having a unscripted conversation with me and was just trying to bully me out of money which I don't have. God, grant me the Serenity to Grrrrrrrr.

December 19th cannot come soon enough! Rest and a schedule that doesn't require me to bend over will help me to better handle these little nuisances. But I'm still gonna look on the bright side! I got a little more voice back today...we have the show tonight...and I heard rumor that some agents will be in the audience. So I'll be primped and preened. Let us just pray that my voice comes through!

OH YEAH! One more thing. YOU GOTTA GET THIS STUFF IF YOU LIKE COFFEE!!! Nescafe is trying to compete with Starbucks. So they've made a 6-pack sampler of their new stick packs to sway people away from the VIA (r). I got one for free from a street promo dude...and I have another one coming through this site:


http://smartchoice.tasterschoice.com/?CMP=KNC-gppcsampling#/Try_It_On_Us/


And the little stick pack coffee tastes REALLY good! Lots of flavor, great aroma, nice body. You gotta at least try it! A quick registration and it's yours! And if you don't want to try it...but you want to order it and give it to me as a stocking stuffer for Christmas...by all means...please do :)

Off to the Company Fire Drill! Ciao for now, lovies!!!

I kind of can't believe I'm still doing this. It's cold out there. The first few blocks of the jog are just total misery. I run like someone's chasing me, and that someone is Cold. Once I get going, it's not so bad, which is why I'm still doing it. I really need better layers, though. Today F lent me his shirt that's supposed to wick away moisture, but it's short sleeved. I had a thermal over that and my fleece over that, but I think I need something more. I was definitely freezing out there. For pants today I wore my running stretch pants (which I've owned for years, although this is the first athletic action they've seen, since I usually wear them under a skirt instead of tights) and my fleece-lined wind pants. It was a little too much, but better than not enough.

F and I watched the movie of Howl's Moving Castle not long ago, and F had never read the book, so I made him read it, and then I wanted to read it again. I was surprised at how much of the story in the book I hadn't remembered. I think this time around I was able to detach from the movie a little more and appreciate the story for itself.

I still think Diana Wynne Jones ends her books five pages too soon. I would have liked to see Sophie get more than five minutes of happiness at the end. I finish a Wynne Jones book and have to sit there for a while imagining all the nice things that undoubtedly happen next.

I think it would be a really neat exercise for a teacher to do this book with middle schoolers or high schoolers and then do the movie. In some ways they're the same story, but in other ways they're completely different.

This was fun. I haven't read that many Discworld novels, but I picked this one up because of the obvious ancient Egypt connection. It was really entertaining, and I enjoy Pratchett's sense of humor. Still, though, I found myself rushing through some parts to find out what happened. Not that it was slow moving, but still. I don't know that I'll be declaring my Pratchett fandom any time soon, although he's nice on occasion.

Yoga this morning. 30 minutes. I really need a longer yoga practice. Also, that class with Barbara last week is making me rethink how I do everything. I need to get to a vinyasa class somewhere to reset myself. Haven't done vinyasa with a teacher in a loooooong time.

Back to flamenco again last night. It was better this week--even though I hadn't had class in two weeks (migraine, then Thanksgiving), I feel like my body is starting to get the movement a little better. I also think I'm finally accepting that this is not going to be my thing--I've been training my body in a very different physical activity for the past six years, and it would take a lot of serious work to train it to do flamenco. It would be a big investment that I'm not willing to make. So instead of getting stressed out about how bad I am at flamenco, I'm trying to just enjoy the time I have with flamenco. It's hard, though, because the class just isn't fun for me. Elba is a hard taskmaster, and we students don't really talk much--we can ask questions, of course, and she's supportive and encouraging, but we don't chat or make jokes or anything. And even though I was working on lightening up and enjoying it, by the end of class I was back to making my determined face and getting angry at the steps. But I'm okay with that too--as Elba says, you need a certain amount of anger to do flamenco properly, and I wouldn't be me if I just flaked out now and stopped trying. I'm going to keep trying to get it right, as best I can, but I'm not beating myself up about "failing" at flamenco anymore. I am trying flamenco. It's an interesting experiment!

This morning I did some jammy yoga, about 20 minutes. I definitely had some soreness from flamenco, soreness from not having done yoga since Tuesday, and soreness from not getting a good night's sleep, plus some emotional stuff going on. The yoga was a good thing, even if I only did a little bit. I felt refreshed and much more ready to face the day.